Seriously, I am so sick of the oblique/obtuse comments on Facebook and elsewhere.
WHY NOT SAY WHAT HAPPENED? I think obtuse people are just begging for attention like a whiny toddler.
Conversely, you also hear and read people say TMI
- too much information.
So I am walking that tightrope right now. Normally, I lean far to my right, almost falling off from providing said TMI. This is me: 1) Open mouth; 2) Spill forth every synaptic thought that fires in my head; 3) Silence (from the requisite 'peanut gallery').
So then, if I hold a bit back, I hear this: 1) What's wrong?
2) Or You o.k.?
The worst line I ever
hear, because there are just too many ways to interpret it is: HOW ARE YOU/YA
I get to choose between my normal - spill my guts
mode or the very lame "I'm fine, how are you?"
. . . which makes me want to just pass that 'hiya
' person right by.
I once had a former (not that I knew it at the time) friend ask me: "How are you - don't say anything about school or your art, how are the kids and Don?"
That was the last time I had a conversation with her. I have another hysterical story about her, but I need to figure out how to do it anonymously because the story explains exactly the type of person I DON'T WANT FOR A FRIEND.
So, get this - I decided that on MY BLOG, on MY WEBSITE, I get to . . .
get ready -
SPILL MY GUTS.
Because where else do people come directly to me wanting to hear exactly what I want to say!!!!????? This is amazingly freeing.
I get to whine, or be insightful, or be obtuse (this is doubtful as I freaking hate OBTUSEness) . . .
So . . . . I am coming out of my Manic Closet (note: I am 85 percent manic - which explains the sleeplessness and excess of creative energy - and only about 10-15 percent depressive). I can handle the depressive side most of the time (I am a self-declared CELEXA taker). I am a self-aware person, what really trips me up are a few triggers:
- lack of funds to promote my art
- having a serious 'discussion' with my husband about said funds (er, lack thereof)
- feeling like a failure as a mother
- feeling like I just don't want to get out of bed
-or, if I get out of bed, feeling all day like I want to crawl back in there.
So, one too many triggers last week sent me into an hysterical tailspin off the tightrope.
I crashed with no safety net - I refused to let a few people give me a hand off the tarmac . . . I laid there a few days complaining about everything . . . then I woke this morning and decided I would do the 'fake it 'til you feel it'
strategy. Be perky, put on makeup (I do this once a week if Don is lucky), take my little one for a Frosty, get dressed!!! and put on the pretty skirt Claire wanted me to wear, take my little one to see her new 2nd grade classroom (which, due to my depression I had conveniently 'forgot' last night), I EVEN smiled when I talked on the phone . . .
Now, 14 hours later - I actually feel it. I faked my way back into a decent mood.
Looking back, what I realized is that ALL ALONG I had people underneath me, holding tightly to a trampoline hoping I would bounce back up. Here is what some of you were screaming up at me while I fell and after I was lollygagging on the *what I thought was the sidewalk, but was really the* trampoline:
"I know it is hard to have a career and be a mom and wife. It is a constant struggle. But having a family is worth it. I wouldn't want to not have a family. Relationships are the most important thing about life! That's what I believe anyway." - Aletha
And I even got my OWN WORDS quoted back to me from dear Carrie:
"I've been reading old blog posts lately, they make me so happy. You said this:
Even When We Feel Static, Progress Is Occurring - our creativity is like unto the lunar tide - moments of fullness and moments of waning. The pull inward and the push outward. The unearthed debris visible one moment and submerged the next . . .
So there you go. "
. . . Carrie goes on to say: "Remember how you made everything else happen? I know you have it in you to make this happen, too . . . You know this is your Right Work. But our calling is our instructor, too. Don't be discouraged. You are an Artist. And SO few artists have the full package as you do. Allow a discouraging day, resistance is futile. Then put on your Invincible hat. Because you are, Sher, you ARE."
"You are wonderful, know that and be good to yourself." - Caryl
And here is Maureen (always Miss Sunshine to me), again, someone quoting me: “Which, as you know – is my goal in life – to be the twisted soul that I am, but to be lovable (and, loving, of course).”
That’s exactly why I love you, Sher!!!! and just a few days later this one from Maureen: "Oh Sher, beloved Sher . . . Hang on tight . . . Love ya, woman! We're behind you."
"You've been in my heart today, I can't explain why." - Amy R. (this was the day I melted down and BEFORE I had shared it with anybody)! Amy R. also saved me a vintage advertisement and is sending it to me to alter - mailing it FOR FREE as a gift!
Here is the MOST stunning which came the evening BEFORE my meltdown when I was 'holding on tight' to a modicum of 'sanity' -
from Kathleen: "I have been on your pages many times and follow your blog. One of these times, words will tumble to describe what gifts you give. Here are a few...
About your vintage-ish pieces...
You participate in acts of redemption with your art. This is no small thing.
You wrap, seam and embellish memory and truth in teal, pink, calico.
The result... reality comforted, nostalgia disturbed.
And through it... your particular kind of shine persists.
Your vision is shared (thus we join) yet singular (thus we marvel).
Congratulations of the Grand Rapids Art Prize Show.
As a mother of three soul children, Nora, Morgan, Grace lost through miscarriage, I celebrate the all akimbo view of motherhood.
So this night, know this...
what you do matters and people notice.
Many people notice. They do not all comment.
Let my comments echo as many for you this night.
Blessings for whatever in your life these days
is pushing me to send this to you tonight."
For God's Sake - Slay me NOW . . . as I said, ALL ALONG, you (all of you) were there holding onto the trampoline. I may not have gotten it quickly this time, but I understand now.
That, for the first time in my life, I feel I have people/friends who will - CATCH ME IF I FALL -(altar niche creating in 2005-2006)
Thanks - friends of my heart
There are many more people, and here are some more short excerpts of love messages from my 'posse' -
"Sher, your art is fabulous . . . you are BEYOND fabulous . . . Hang in there! It will all be okay. I so love the little piece you made me. It makes me smile."
- Mary Lou
There are a few others that have the power to lighten my heart, even if I haven't quoted them here, I give a bow to: George, Haven, Linda, GiGi, Vanessa, Kate and her Oreo Bon-Bon's and general pin-up girl fabulosity, Jim Shue, John M, Michael T., Brenda QuinkyDink (all the HK Talkers! and former BB's) basically, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND SUE ME IF I FORGOT YOUR NAME . . . Marshall, who THANKED me for being HIS friend . . .
I may actually sleep tonight. I, too, wish Gigi could send me some Ambien, darn those rules and regulations!